And I remember 11.15.14 vividly just like yesterday. When all I wanted was to kiss you and hug you so passionately but couldn’t because all my family were there. So defeated, I proceeded to the departure area and never looked back because I knew that if I did, I would have decided to not leave. 
My throat and my chest ached from holding back my tears. Until when I was finally alone and waiting for my boarding time, I broke down in tears because I should have kissed you and hugged you and told you to wait for me because I will be coming back for you and that I love you and I will miss you so much because you’ve never been away from me for too long. 
But you are right, we will see each other very soon and it’ll be the start of something beautiful and worth waiting for.

Just putting it out there.

*Taking a deep breath as I start typing*

*The Scientist by Coldplay playing in the background*

*Nothing good comes out from the words “so I’ve been having thoughts” but here goes..*

So I’ve been having thoughts. Not one of those random thoughts you have when you stare blankly in space for a few moments. These thoughts have been nagging me, disturbing my sleep, haunting me.

I think I have come to this point that I have thought of giving up on this relationship. Not his fault. He’s fine. He’s very good at being a boyfriend to me. Couldn’t complain, really.

It’s just that.. I feel that keeping up with the LDR thing is exhausting. I rarely have time to think about myself and what I really plan to do because when I do, I always feel the need to include him in my decisions — not really seeking for his approval but thinking how these decisions will affect our relationship. All the things I aim, dream, and hope for are targeted for our future. This relationship is so demanding and the pressure is too much that I cannot focus at all. As you know, I am preparing for a big exam happening on April and instead of studying, I spend most of my time talking to him or thinking about him. I worry too much. I just don’t want that kind of feeling, especially now. I think I miss the feeling of being single.

However, when I think about taking some time away, I think that I am not ready to be alone. I feel that I’ve been in this relationship way too long that I’ve grown dependent on him (and not in an unhealthy way, okay?) He does make me happy, he inspires me, understands me and encourages me. I am not ready to give up that kind of feeling of dependency because I feel that when I start taking that space, I will eventually lose him. And in the end, I know I will regret the day when I stop talking to him because I know it will change him and me as well and when we do start talking again, we’ll both be different people. I don’t want to lose him because I know he is the one I want to marry. He is perfect for me. He just is.

But then, how do I get the feeling of not being required to include him making decisions while keeping him at the same time. How do I focus on myself while having him around. These things are selfish of me but I think I really need this.

So I’m writing this post without really knowing how to end this. I am not making any decisions as of now because this is a tough one and I want to think this through. I just want to put this out there for now.

8.8.18

The past four days were spent alternating between lying in bed to watching kitty videos to reading books to drinking tea to reading blogs to taking afternoon naps to listening to music (and the list goes on). I haven’t accomplished anything I’m supposed to. I’m just taking my time, making the most out of my 4 days vacation before heading on to my fulltime job starting tomorrow. I rarely go out of my room except on instances where I’d have to use the washroom or get food from the kitchen. My housemates may be wondering what I’ve been doing, spending the whole day in my room. They may be weirded out by my unusual homebuddiness. I don’t care. I just want to take advantage of these four glorious days spending some me-time, not doing anything productive.

Let me tell you though that I have spent most of my time daydreaming about the date 8.8.18.

Lately, my fiancé and I have been having a lot of discussions, planning our future. Everytime he brings up the topic, I automatically get cold feet because of my uncertain status in this country. At this point, I don’t want to make any definite plans of the future yet since it will be a long and tedious process till achieving that permanent residency status. So I easily get irritated when he opens these topics as he is very excited to start his life here as well. Then we end up fighting. We have different views in life — him being optimistic and idealistic, me being realistic. It’s not easy being away from each other, believe me, and most especially going to bed still mad at one another. So we really try to come up with solutions to resolve our issues.
So I thought… With all these uncertainties, why can’t we make one realistic plan for our relationship? One that won’t be affected by any unsuccessful visa status changes. The one thing that we both could make happen despite the odds?

So we set the date.

8.8.18.

And while we are apart, we will save up until 2017 and whatever savings we come up with at that time, we will plan the wedding from there. We don’t care whether it will be too simple or most people in our lives will end up not being invited (because of our tight budget, we may have to really discern who to invite and who not to because both of us hail from huuuge families). We may have to settle for a local honeymoon destination in contrast to what has been previously discussed spending it at Japan or China. We don’t care. The most important thing is we start our marriage life as soon as possible. We told out loved ones and they are all excited as well!

Just to backtrack, my fiancé and I have been engaged since May 2014 and have made plans of getting a civil marriage but due to circumstances with my ongoing abroad application, it wasn’t easy to request another set of documents and update my already submitted applications. So we had to wait.

As I have previously said, it is never easy to be apart from each other. We were never sure when we will see each other again due to my uncertain status here. Times and circumstances might change us a lot. But what I admire about our relationship is nobody shows a single ounce of clue of giving up or letting go when times get tough. We are both committed to make this relationship work. That’s the most important thing, I guess.